Last night was one of the best nights of my life. The Endo Warrior's launch party was inspiring, uplifting and a total blast! It was truly humbling to see the amount of people who came out on a weeknight to stand up to endometriosis and support those who have it. I was honored to be asked to speak at this party and I wanted to share my speech with all of you. Please note that everything that I say is, as always, 100% true and from the heart.
(The following link can be used to listen to a video of my speech. It's hard to see anything, but the audio is there: htt://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AOWw1rJVA-M&feature=em-share_video_user )
It
is night. Impenetrable darkness thicker than cotton engulfs you as you
frantically struggle to find your way. The blackness around you seems foreign
and foreboding, causing your heart to beat wildly and chills to dance a steady
waltz on your back. Your movements are frantic but purposeful as you propel
your body forward into the unknown, determined to find your way. You reach out,
desperate to find a tree to lean on or a stump to rest your aching body on. But
there is only the impervious night, stretched out in front of you like a dare.
You are lonely, so lonely, and afraid, so terribly afraid. Branches snap
sharply under your feet, startling your already terrified heart, and for the
millionth time that minute, you find yourself wishing you could give up, lie on
the frozen ground, and let yourself go. But instead you continue on: stumble,
trip, fall and rise, stumble, trip, fall, and rise- a morbid dance that never
seems to stop. Until one moment, when
instead of rising, you find yourself falling further and further into an abyss,
as if you are being pulled down by an imperceptible weight. Your body feels
heavier than its usual immensity, as it pulls you lower and lower until rock
bottom becomes a terrifying certainty. You shout a desperate prayer to whomever
or whatever you believe is out there,
“I can’t do this any longer! Help me! Don’t let me fall!”
as you concede to yourself that your situation can only get worse.
And
then it happens. At that very moment when you have officially let go, that
moment when you brace yourself to hit rock bottom, a miracle occurs. A flock of
gorgeous angels ventures towards you, each angel a different color and size,
unique in her own beautiful way. As the flock approaches, you begin to notice
that your body feels suddenly lighter, less exhausted and less painful.
"You can do it," you hear them whisper intensely, "we're here
for you." And just as your body grazes the bottom of the abyss, you repeat
their mantra, "I can do it, and they are here for me." To your
delight and astonishment, the moment you finish the last word, a set of wings,
fiery yellow and stunningly bright burst from behind, and you begin to fly up,
weightless and secure. The pure light of friendship and belonging guides your
way as you fly off with your new flock, not completely healed, but certain of
one thing: you are no longer alone.
--
I
have been living with the incapacitating and overwhelming disease of
endometriosis for the past fourteen years of my life. I began displaying
symptoms at age fifteen and was diagnosed at twenty six after a long and
arduous journey. It took ten years of my life to convince doctors, my family,
and myself that there was something wrong with me and that the symptoms that I
was experiencing: infertility, excruciating and debilitating pain, fatigue and
bowel and bladder issues, were not normal.
I was sent from doctor to doctor, gynecologist to gastroenterologist,
neurologist to urologist and finally, to a psychiatrist. I was told the only
way to "fix" me would be to put me on antidepressants, as the
symptoms I had were "all in my head."
I frequently visited the hospital, sometimes for many days at a time as
I could not function with the pain. The day I was diagnosed with endo was one
of the most liberating and validating days of my life. Unfortunately, the days
since then have been much more difficult.
About
six months ago, I felt as though I was walking in the pitch dark. I was depressed, overwhelmed, lost and
hurting. I couldn’t take care of my children or give them or my husband the
love and attention they deserved. I could barely take care of myself as the
pain and fatigue I experienced every minute completely debilitated me.
Everything is my life felt upside down and out of control. No doctor seemed to
be able to help, despite the three laparoscopies and a hysterectomy that I
endured. It was though I was falling down a hole, on my way to hitting rock
bottom with no hope for the future.
It
was at that desolate and dismal time that I found my angels. I was doing some
research online for the book I am writing about endometriosis when I discovered
a group of women called the Endo Warriors, led by the immensely special Nichole
Malachi, Jill Fuerich and Jordan Davidson. I was thrilled to learn that they
were having a support group three days later in a place that was very close to
where I lived. I signed up and counted down the days to the meeting. Just
having the event to anticipate gave my life a weightlessness and purpose that I
hadn’t had in a while.
I wish you could have all seen me during that
meeting. I had a ridiculous smile on my face the whole time and kept yelling
out things like, “hey, me too!”
and “yea, I know what you’re
talking about!” My world was suddenly like a newly painted picture,
bright, cheerful, and finally complete. I finally felt like I could go on with
my life; that I had women who understood just what I was going through, who
would never leave me or let me let go.
In
a selfless, comforting and knowledgeable way, the Endo Warriors have given me
my life back. They have provided me with information about dealing with
endometriosis, named doctors for me to go to, connected me with other women who
are struggling, and given me a reason to live beyond the suffering. They let me
know that I am not alone, that any time I cry, any time I hurt or lose hope,
they are right there with me, holding my hand, or carrying my broken heart.
Without them, I don’t know where I would be. They are my supporters, my best
friends, my beautiful angels.
Please let me know what you think!! I would love to hear some comments!
