Monday, December 8, 2014


PART ONE: Getting ready for our trip
2 weeks until departure for Atlanta, GA
November 18 2014- December 2, 2014
Long Island, New York

The past two weeks have been a frenzied whirlwind of lists and errands obviously too arduous for my aching and exhausted body to accomplish. I have poured every fiber of my being into planning our trip down to the very last detail while simultaneously devising strategies to ensure that the kids will have a smooth and tear-free transition to their Grammy and Poppy’s house for the five days Elie and I are away. I credit a combination of my obsessive personality, adrenaline, and pain killers for the seamless way it all seems to be transpiring. The truth is, I know I should be taking some time to think about the upcoming surgery, carve out a few moments to prepare myself for the emotional and physical toll it will take on me but my mind has strategically sequestered all thoughts that threaten my peace of mind and only allows the logistical details of our trip to trickle through.
 It’s not until our plane is gathering speed on the tarmac that all of my ‘to do’ lists evaporate from my brain and the sudden realization of the gravity of the upcoming event takes their place. ‘What-ifs’ in every shape and size flood my mind, nauseating me as I wonder what I would do if the surgery is not successful.  How will I return from Atlanta to all of those who helped me get there and tell them it was all for naught? What will I do if the doctor tells me he found nothing in my insides that could be causing pain and has no idea where my pain is coming from? How will I find the strength to continue to fight if the current physical and emotional agonies that dictate my life have no foreseeable end?
As my terrified thoughts multiply, the cool hand of my levelheaded husband slides its way into mine, slowing down my manic brain and heart.  Together with his indisputably reasonable and comforting words, I am able to tentatively land my thoughts in optimistic territory.  It will be alright, I tell myself firmly; It has to be.

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