Saturday, August 17, 2013

Dealing with Infertility

Did you know that endometriosis is the third leading cause of infertility in women? I hope you find that the following post gives a voice to the many women who struggle daily with the burning desire to conceive.

My period begins again…as does the heartache, the emptiness, the letdown, and, of course, the excruciating pain that rears its ugly head along with it. I am a vacant container without a purpose in this desolate existence.  My heart, once full of happiness and vivacity, is a stormy wasteland.  The bleeding flows, as do my tears. They gather in the emptiness that is my heart and drown me. I am drowning in pain, too empty to fight for air.

I have no purpose in this world. Others don’t understand. “You have so much else in your life,” they say, “focus on something else, forget about having a baby.” But my one desire, the sole yearning that fills my heart, is to have a child.  And every month, the blood arrives and my hope flutters away. 

Jealousy creeps through my veins and freezes my heart. One more hit and it may just shatter into a million translucent pieces. My life is an endless circle right now, delicate hope bleeding into complete devastation and then drying up into fragile optimism once more. I am dizzy with the constant cycle of despair and anticipation that fills my days. I despise the fortunate women who carry life inside them.  What makes them worthy while I am so undeserving?

 I ache for the day that I can hold my baby in my arms, the day that I become sure that I am not a purposeless, empty shell but a significant, fertile life-giver. And I know that despite all odds, I will endure each month with my head held high. Because I will never let go of that whisper of hope that still remains.

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